


Uncle Dwalin

by diemarysues



Series: Paws Pitter-Pattering [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 23:03:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1086720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diemarysues/pseuds/diemarysues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another cat comes to play. (Cathamster 'verse, jsyk.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncle Dwalin

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Purring Cat, Hidden Hamster](https://archiveofourown.org/works/983833) by [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira). 



> Remember how alkjira mentioned Dwalin being Dís' cat? Yeah. This was coming and you knew it.

_Ding-dong_.

 

“I’ll get it!” Kíli called – although he was calling that out to Thorin and Bilbo and their kids, none of whom would’ve answered the door anyway. Ahem. He opened the door. “Oh, hi Mum.”

 

A pause.

 

“ _Mum_? What are you doing here?” Rather typically, she ignored this question, walking past him into his (and Ori’s) apartment. As she went by, sharp blue eyes gazed into his. “And with Dwalin?”

 

The cat narrowed its eyes, before pointedly looking away. (What was it with cats and their attitude problems, anyway? Or was it just that cats didn’t like him? Then again, it could be a family thing, because apparently Thorin and Dwalin were somehow related… or so Gandalf claimed. They didn’t really look it, because Thorin was sleek and black, where Dwalin was brown and shaggy.)

 

“I’m sorry this is so last minute, dear.” Dís rubbed her forehead, giving him a weary look. “Only, you’re the only one I can get to catsit. Fíli can’t because apparently his boyfriend’s cockatiel doesn’t like cats?”

 

That would be Legolas. “He’s Tauriel’s cockatiel, not Bofur’s.” He shook his head, only now realising that the door was wide open. Best shut it before one of the cathamsters ran out, else Thorin and then Ori would have his head. Yes, in that order. “Wait, wait, wait – catsit?” He didn’t like the sound of that one bit. “What do you mean, catsit?”

 

“I mean, I need someone to take care of Dwalin for me. Since you two have a cat, I don’t see the problem.”

 

Kíli pursed his lips. That cat was just one of the problems, especially if Dwalin decided he wanted to know what hamsters tasted like. “And you can’t send him to the vet because he’s got that standing ban.” Maybe he and Thorin really _were_ related. “Hey, wait, aren’t you and Dad still at home?”

 

“Ah, well, about that…” To his horror, his mother _blushed_. “Your father sprung plane tickets to Venice over breakfast. I thought he’d forgotten about our anniversary, not that he does usually, but –”

 

“Mum.” Kíli hoped he didn’t look green, even if he felt it. “I really don’t want to know.”

 

She grinned at him. “Then I’ll spare you the details. Now here.” Dís unceremoniously dumped her cat into Kíli’s arms. “The flight’s in two hours, so I really have to go.” She kissed first Dwalin, and then Kíli – which really showed where her priorities were. “Bye, son of mine! Make sure Dwalin behaves!”

 

And she was out the door again, in a flurry of dark hair and pearls. Kíli stared at the door miserably, before looking down at the cat in his arms.

 

“I hope for your sake that you don’t eat hamsters.”

 

* * *

 

To tell the truth, Dwalin had no idea what a ‘hamster’ was.

 

He knew about ham. Ham was nice. Víli always tried to sneak him some whenever Dwalin purred. He may have been a silly man a lot of the time, but he knew how to treat a cat. (And despite the fact that Dís complained about Víli’s habit of feeding Dwalin needlessly, she could no more resist his pleading eyes than her husband.)

 

There was nothing in this place that smelled like ham. There was an odd sort of scent, kind of like the seeds Dís sometimes ate, and the green leaves Víli liked, one Dwalin didn’t recognise. Over that was a scent he _did_ recognise, though he was a little surprised –

 

“Dwalin.”

 

His ears twitched in recognition. It’d been a long time since he’d heard that imperious voice – they’d both still been kittens at that time. “Thorin.”

 

They cursorily sniffed at each other, tails swishing to and fro, and when Thorin seemed satisfied that Dwalin was indeed Dwalin, the larger of the two (which was Dwalin, for reference) reared his head back before smashing their foreheads together.

 

“Oh for –” The black cat hissed, even if he didn’t seem to be truly angry. Dwalin merely sat down when faced with the glare Thorin levelled. “Why are you here?”

Dwalin shrugged. “Humans are gone. I assume they want me here so I can be fed… which is wise, I suppose. No more mice in that house.” He bared his teeth in what humans called a ‘grin’. “They were tasty while they lasted.”

 

To Dwalin’s surprise, Thorin’s hackles rose.

 

“Don’t worry; I won’t be eating any of your mice. I’m not stupid.”

 

This did not seem to calm the other cat at all. “If you value your fur” – and, yes, Dwalin did, he thought himself quite handsome – “you’ll only eat what my humans set out for you. Nothing else.”

 

Dwalin casually licked between his claws. “Are there other things to eat?”

 

Thorin’s growl was interrupted by a new voice, a voice Dwalin had never heard before. And there was that vegetable-like scent again.

 

“Thorin? Who are you talking to…?”

 

Around the corner came trotting what _sort of_ looked like a mouse (though a little bigger, curly-furred and with no tail to speak of), carrying that strange scent and… Dwalin sniffed. Also carrying _Thorin_ ’s scent. Interesting.

 

Thorin had jumped down from the table and stood in front of his scent-bearing not-mouse, tail lashing. Dwalin, on the other hand, hadn’t moved except to lower his paw. He peered interestedly at what fluffy brown fur he could see.

 

“Cousin,” he said, fascinated, “have you mated with a _hamster_?”

 

* * *

 

It was explained to Bilbo that Dwalin was related to Thorin, for all that they looked nothing alike. First there was the size difference (Bilbo hadn’t thought that cats could be bigger than his own), as well as the fur colour and texture. Both had blue eyes, but Thorin’s were paler.

 

Cousin he may have been, but Thorin apparently didn’t trust the other cat enough to leave Bilbo alone in his company. And usually Bilbo would have been quite jaded by this over protectiveness, but the fact remained that they both had _children_ wandering around their home, and they had no idea if Dwalin would be tempted to eat any of them.

 

So there would be Rules.

 

Thorin was busy impressing the importance of these Rules to Dwalin – Bilbo didn’t envy him this, because there was something about the brown cat’s gaze that made him uncomfortable –, while he had the job of dealing with their children. Preferable as it was, he couldn’t help but admit that the boys did not make parenting easy.

 

“Aw, c’mon, Daddy, if he’s really related to Father that makes him our uncle, doesn’t it?”

 

Not one bit.

 

“Not all cats are like your Father,” Bilbo said sternly, trying to shake off memories of that moon-eyed, hairless cat that’d tried to _eat_ him. “And until we’re sure he’ll not lay a claw on you, you will keep your distance. Do you –”

 

“But Da –”

 

“If another one of you interrupts me again, there will be trouble.” Bilbo glared, and his children sullenly lowered their gazes. “Now. Your Father and I have decided that you’ll stay away from Dwalin until we say so. If any of you disobey, you’ll all be put into the cage until we say otherwise.”

 

“ _All_ of us?” Kíli asked, horrified.

 

“Yes.” Hopefully that would work.

 

* * *

 

It didn’t work.

 

* * *

 

To be entirely truthful, once he’d gone past his initial shock, horror, and anger, Thorin found the whole situation rather amusing.

 

Bilbo hadn’t been of the same mind – in fact, earlier on he’d marched up to Dwalin (needing help to get onto the table) and railed at him without any fear. Thing was, as far as Thorin could tell, his cousin wasn’t at fault at all. He hadn’t asked for the five little hamsters to start gallivanting around and over him.

 

There was no question that the children would have to be disciplined at the end of the day – but for now, Thorin watched them climb over a worriedly-still Dwalin, and purred.

 

* * *

 

Ori had had his misgivings when Kíli had texted him about there being another cat in their apartment – no matter how temporary the arrangement was, he was quite sure that there would be some sort of trouble by the end of the day.

 

As worried as he was, there was no way for him to cut his work short. Even the most lenient of bosses wouldn’t have allowed an employee to leave because of potential pet problems, and so Ori merely put his head down and tried to complete his daily tasks as quickly as feasible.

 

He wasn’t sure whether to be more worried or less worried when he received a photo from Kíli, showing an overprotective Thorin standing in front of Bilbo, with an unimpressed Dwalin on the table. While it was clear that Thorin was probably more than a match for another cat, he didn’t think he wanted to have to explain to Kíli’s _mother_ that her cat had been mauled by his cat.

 

Yeah. Really didn’t want to have that conversation.

 

When he finally put his key into the front door, Ori was a little relieved at the lack of growling and yowling. In fact, if he strained his ears, he’d swear he could hear purring.

 

But that couldn’t be right, could it?

 

“Ori?”

 

“Hey.” He let his worries about cats and hamsters drain away, sinking into the warmth of Kíli’s embrace. Ori tucked his head into the taller man’s neck, breathing in deep. “How was your day?”

 

“Really weird.” Big hands slipped down his back and settled on his waist. “You of course know that we’ve got a guest.”

 

The worry came rushing back like a wave. Ori pulled back, forehead creased. “What’s happened?”

 

“I think it’s really best if you see for yourself.”

 

Kíli’s tone of voice didn’t really help with Ori’s apprehension – and when he walked further into the apartment, he would really swear that that was purring. His gaze first went to the couch, where – as usual – Thorin and Bilbo we curled up on. And, yes, it was Thorin that was purring.

 

Both his pets spared him a glance before looking back to the dining table – upon which was an alarmed-looking brown cat… that had five little hamsters draped all over it.

 

Kíli slipped an arm around Ori’s waist. “Before you ask, I’ve already got pictures.”

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I had to set aside fembagginshield for this fic. Stupid brain.


End file.
